disappointment

i think feeling disappointed in someone is worse than being mad. disappointment for me, comes only when i care about the person who has done something 'wrong', or may have not done something they could/should have.

i think its worse to have someone disappointed in you, than mad at you. and its harder to be disappointed in someone than mad at them.

i wish things were different between me and someone. i hoped they would be from early on. it was something i always wanted. but maybe it is something that will never be. and that hurts. but i feel like, i have done what i can to put myself out there.

sorry to speak so vaguely. i just needed somewhere to get this out without calling out names, because i dont think that is fair either.

i just dont know how to talk to this person. i feel like if i do, instead of talking i will be attacked or blamed for things and it will be come a conversation of :this vs that:

and that isnt what i want. i just want things to be even a sliver of how i thought they might be. 

but maybe i need to come to the reality that, they never might be.

i dont ever say that i am without fault. but i get tired of being a people pleaser and putting my feelings aside, as i often do. in my mind, i have to put how i am feeling aside to make sure others are happy and doing okay - and it is not often that friends check in to make sure i am okay. i learned to accept that like i learned to accept that my birthday will often be forgotten by friends because its two days after christmas. it is what it is but it still hurts when it comes down to it. 

maybe one day i will learn to be a little selfish and make sure my feelings come first and maybe i wont have to feel completely guilty about it. i hope at least once it does. but until then at least people know that i will be there when they need it and they have learned that they dont really need to do anything in return. my friends are great, but i dont think people realize that sometimes they dont just check in. but its okay i guess.

maybe some day the relationship i have always hoped would happen will grow. and maybe it wont.

but i do know that i am one of the luckiest girls out there. i have a husband who loves me, and would do anything for me. i have a family that is the same way. i have what i feel, is one of the cutest dogs ever to love and take care of, and that seems to love nothing more than to relax with me. i have my health - even after taking that softball to the back of my head - i am doing okay.

sorry this post became so emo. im pretty sure (and this is NOT a jab at anyone who follows) no one really reads it, and thats okay. i like having a venting place and a place to share all the amazing things in my life, and the fun photos i take. 

i think i feel so free because of the mix of valium and vicodin. to my ER Dr and Nurses at Unity on Sunday night, thanks for providing me with what i need to at least get through the day and not be in constant tears because of the pain. because as tough as i am trying to be for everyone else - i hurt really bad. and it does not go away. thanks to my husband for taking great care of me. i truly have the most amazing husband.

xoxo.